Twilight in a Nutshell: A Parody
by Fake Crowley
Summary: As the title may suggest, it's a parody of the entire first novel of Twilight. Compressed for your enjoyment. Eat your heart out, Evil Iguana Productions.


**_(One shot, simply because I'm done with it._**

**_Written by Team Omen-My Buddy Azirafail and yours truly, Crowley._**

**_I wonder if this is what you would call an Antifan Fic..._**

**_I own nothing, by the way. Nothing!)_**

**Twilight in a Nutshell:**

Narrator: Hallo, everyone. I'm the Narrator. I will be sharing the job as a Narrator with Bella for this story.

Bella: Hang on, didn't I Narrate this in the book?

Narrator: Yes, but I need the job. Besides, without my witty commentary, you'd be nothing. Nothing, I tell you! Nothing!

Bella: *sighs.* Fine. So take us away, all mighty Narrator.

Narrator: *Clears throat* Our hero today is Miss Bella Swan, a girl who could trip on air and has about as much instinct for self preservation as a lemming. She will be played today by Mary-Sue.

Bella: …

Narrator: Anyway, she moves to a place named after cutlery one day because her mother gets married.

Bella: The crap?

Narrator: That and it was necessary for the plot. Anyway, she starts feeling emo when she moves because it rains a lot. Watch as our hero has her first day of school.

Bella: Lalalala. I'm so pretty.

NamelessGuys in unison: We're all unrealistically in love with you! Mary us!

Bella: God, who wrote this crap?

Nameless girls in unison: LYK, ZOMG. B B32T FR13NS 4VR?

Bella: Sure! By the way... I'm incredibly shy. I'm to afraid to ask a boy to date me. I'm incredibly, incredibly, incredibly shy, and will take whatever boy I get.

Nameless guy #1: Hey, Be-

Bella: Sorry, I don't flirt with guys as ugly as you.

Nameless girls: LYK, H3 3$ T3H M0$t STUDLI GUY IN $CH00L! H3 R M0D31!!!1111

Nameless guy #1: But-

Bella: Sorry, you aren't Gary Sue-ish enough for me. *B***h slaps nameless guy*

Nameless guy: *Cries*

Narrator: When suddenly, she spots a group of extremely attractive and freakishly pale people eating lunch. Only they aren't eating. Jeez. What a clever disguise. I can see how they kept their secret for so long.

Bella: Anorexia is so cool! Nameless girl #1, who are those freakishly pale people?

Nameless girl #1: LYK, T3Y R D CULLENS!1111111 T3Y R VMPYRS!!!

Bella: Uh huh...wait, what?

Nameless girl #2: LYK, TATS EDWARD!

Bella: Hubba-Hubbah!

Edward: Anger!

Bella: *cries*

Narrator: And then Bella goes to chemistry class, where, surprise, surprise, she sits next to Edward.

Bella: You're so pretty…

Edward: Anger!

Bella: *cries*

Narrator: And then Bella goes home, where she sees some emails awaiting her.

Email 1: 2:45 Am: From Renee : Hi Bella? How are you doing!

Email 2: 2:45 Am: From Renee: BELLA! WHY HAVEN'T YOU ANSWERED MY EMAIL YET! I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU! ANSWER ME!

Email 3: 2:45 Am: From Renee: THAT'S IT, I'M CALLING THE COPS!

Bella: What is the point of this part?

Narrator: To tell the readers that you have an overprotective mother, who will appear about once in the series...maybe twice.

Bella: God, Who wrote this crap?

Narrator: And then our heroine goes to school! Edward isn't there.

Bella: Where are the Cullens?

Nameless Girl #1: LYK, T3H CUL3NS SKIP SKUL W3N3VR IT R SUNY!!!!1111

Bella: ...

Narrator: So, Bella goes home all Emo because her fantasy boyfriend wasn't their today. When she comes back, he's their again.

Edward: Not Anger!

Bella: Ok, this is starting to get stupid.

Narrator: Starting?

Edward: Why, ciao. My rhetoric is exceptionally decorative. Would you be partial to sitting in my company?

Bella: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: Um….okay.

Bella: So, are you thirsty?

Edward: (Darkly) Hark, I am indeed dehydrated.

Bella: Your acting a little strange. Say, you look pale. You look like you don't have any blood in your body!

Edward: He-he-he. *says more things like this.*

Bella: So….

Edward: Accept my word as truth; you mustn't be in my vicinity. I'm unquestionably too precarious. *Keeps saying creepy things*

Bella: *Leaves.*

Edward: Well, fu-

Narrator: No language, please. So, Edward and Bella get really intimate with a relationship void of any chemistry at all. Then, Bella nearly gets hit by a car, but Edward defies the laws of physics and saves her!

Nameless guys and girls: *Don't see anything*

Bella: Zomg! You just defied the laws of physics!

Edward: Negative. You're hectic.

Bella: But-

Edward: Be silent. You're departing to a sanatorium.

Bella: Why?

Edward: In order for you to convene with my Vampire Da- I mean, my practitioner dad.

Bella: Sweet C'thulu, who wrote this crap? Wait, you just...normal speaked.

Edward: Normal speaked?

Bella: You said dad.

Edward: Oh. Right. I meant my father.

Narrator: So Bella goes to see Edwards dad for no apparent reason.

Cari-Ca-Edward's dad: Well you'll be all right, bye!

Bella: That was weird…

Narrator: And Bella get's invited to a Party, where she meets Jacob, a.k.a, Rival love interest. The Cullens don't come, for reasons.

Bella: What reasons?

Narrator: Well...

(Flashback)

Cullens: A STIZARDS WAFF IS THREE FEET LONG, AND HAS A GREAT BIG KNEND ON THE OB! *Pass out*

Billy and the Werewolves: -sigh.-

Jacob: What exactly where they drinking?

Random Werewolf: Um...*checks bottle* looks like...Dr. Pepper.

Billy and the Werewolves: There's nothing sober about it!

(End flashback)

Bella: Oh.

Then, Bella starts flirting with Jacob, Aka, rival love interest.

Bella: Hey there, cuty. Wanna make out?

Jacob: Sure-thing-my-native-american-ancestors-were-werewolves-and-the-cullens-are-vampires.

Bella: Thanks! *leaves.*

Jacob: Well, I sure won't be imperative to the story. Goodbye, screen time. I'll miss you.

Narrator: So, Bella does some research on the internet, and finds out that the Cullens are Italian. What the hell. Then, Bella decides to go shopping with her friends at some shopping centre fifty thousand miles away.

Bella: Why?

Narrator: Because you're a girl, and all girls are obsessed with shopping.

Bella: No we aren't.

Narrator: Shut up. It's crucial to the plot.

Bella: *Shrugs.* Kay.

Narrator: So Bella and the girls go shopping. They look at clothes and stuff. The stereotypes are killing me. They would probably read Twilight in their spare time, if they weren't in it. Bella sneaks off for some reason. In the dead of night. All alone. In an alleyway. In the big city. And she's a young, teenage girl. Gee, what will happen to her?

Creepy guys: We're going to have our way with you!

Bella: Have…your way?

Creeps: Well, this is supposed to be PG.

Bella: What do you call book four then?

Edward, to narrator: You fundamentally read the entire saga? Pansy.

Narrator: In my defence, I hated every moment of it.

Bella: Then why'd you read it?

Narrator: I had to parody something. The alternative was Maximum Ride four.

Creeps: The Horror!

Edward: Meh.

Narrator: Get out, Edward.

Edward: Force me!

Narrator: If you don't leave, I'll tell the Feegle's that you stole their Dr. Pepper.

Edward: Oh my. *leaves*

Bella: Can we get on with the story?

Creeps: Kay. *advance on her.*

Narrator: It seems our heroine is in trouble. Gee, I wonder who will save her.

Edward: I'm here to kick a** and suck blood. And I'm all out of blood.

Bella: Eddie!

Edward: Never identify me as Eddie again.

Bella: Sure thing, snugglebunny.

Edward: …

Narrator: And Edward gets the crap kicked out of him.

Edward: I beg your pardon??

Bella: What?

Creeps: What?

Jake: Yes!

Edward: That didn't occur.

Narrator: Yes it did.

Edward: No it didn't!

Narrator: Next time, think before you call me a pansy.

Edward: *gets beaten up.*

Jake: Yes!

Edward: Shut up, Kanine.

Jake: You're a brilliant vampire with decades to think of insults, and dog is the best you can come up with?

Bella: Get on with it!

Narrator: Ahem. The creeps run away, and Bella's friends come up.

Friends: LYK, WER U GO????//////

Bella: I wandered off to be emo in a corner.

Friends: Y IS EDWARD HER????/////

Bella: Actually, that's a good question. How did you find me so fast, Edward? And why where you here in the first place?

Edward: *Shrugs* I was stalking you.

Bella: Oh, that explains it. Friends, mind if I go off with this creepy stalker?

Friends: K!!!!1111

Edward: Let's go consume.

Bella: Wait a second. You actually eat?

Edward: …Sporadically. *evil smirk*

Bella: Ok…

Narrator: So, they go get some food. Bella orders something off the kids menu. They drink Coca Cola™.

Bella: Wow, this Coca Cola ™ sure is good.

Edward: I concur.

Narrator: And their waiter puts the moves on Edward, just in case we forgot that he was drop-dead gorgeous.

Bella: Hey, that waiter is hitting on you!

Edward, while the waiter is giving him a massage: She is?

Bella: Yes!

Edward: Huh. Well, let's depart now.

Narrator: They leave. As they drive in Edwards car, Edward asks him creepy questions. Suddenly, Bella asks a question.

Bella: If you and Jake made love, and you got mpreg, would the result be a Werepire?

Narrator: Not that…

Bella: Why is this horrible book so popular?

Narrator: Ask him about being a Vampire!!!

Bella: Ok, fine, sheesh. How old are you?

Edward: 17.

Bella: Aha! And how long have you been 17?

Edward: A couple of months.

Bella: …

Narrator: Edward, would you please try to be serious?

Edward: Fine. *Clears throat.* Oh, and here's a big, big, surreptitious. *whispers* I'm L.

Bella: I don't care what you think, I'm not Kira!

Narrator: I hate you both.

Edward: Also, I'm a Vampire.

Narrator and Bella in Unison: We know.

Edward: What?

Narrator: It's on the freaking back page of the book. It's not exactly a big secret.

Bella: Yeah. And the quote that's used isn't even the actual quote.

Edward: ...

Edward: Oh…hey, want to see me with my shirt off?

Bella: YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES!!!!!

Edward: Well, you'll have to approach to the illicit woodland with me.

Bella: Ok! When?

Edward: A few chapters…

Bella: …

Narrator: I can just skip to there if you want. It's not like anything interesting happens…oh, there's one scene I want to make fun of. *Poofs the two to the scene.*

Bella and Edward: …

Narrator: You're eating lunch, and drinking **Coca Cola ™**

Bella: Hey…Hey. Hey! Edward eats?

Edward: Apparently. But I don't require to.

Bella: Why not? Are you telling me that you get all your energy, including the energy used to stay up all night and have super-speed and super-strength, from drinking a few pints of blood every month or two?

Edward: It appears so.

Bella: …

Narrator: Now, to the forest.

Bella *sings, "Into the Woods."*

Edward: Get on my back.

Bella: What?

Edward: I'm going to run at supersonic speed through the forests while carrying you.

Bella: Wouldn't the G-force kill me?

Edward: Normally, yes, but this is fiction. Didn't you see Star Wars Episode One, The Phantom Menace?(God, that's a long title. Ahem. Moving on.)

Narrator: So, Bella and Edward run up the hill. When they get there, Edward strips down.

Bella and Edward: Are you saying that we-

Narrator: NO!!! Step into the light, Edward.

*Edward steps into the light. Suddenly…*

Bella: The sparkles! They burn!

Narrator: Yeah. That happens whenever a vampire goes into direct sunlight. Why it doesn't when he's in regular lighting is beyond me. It's Mrs. Meyers excuse for the whole sunlight myth.

Bella: Are you saying that you had to read this crap?

Narrator: Yes…

Bella: I pity you. How'd you make it?

Narrator: By reading Terry Pratchett*. It was the only thing that could counteract the effects. Can we stop talking about it? The memories give me nightmares...

Bella: Kay. So, now what?

Narrator: You apparently stare at Edward for a few hours. Then, you go home to Charley, and tell him that you're going to watch a couple of vampires play baseball.

Bella: ...Baseball.

Narrator: Yes, I know. It's a load of crap.

Bella: -sighs.- All right, fine. *goes home.*

Charley: I HAVEN'T APPEARED IN THIS PARODY SO FAR!!!!! WHY IS THAT????

Bella: Because you're a minor character. Anyway, I'm going to go watch the Cullens play baseball.

Charley: OH, THE VAMPIRES???? OK, HAVE FUN!!!

Bella, while walking out: Am I the only one hear who didn't know about the Cullens?

Narrator: Yep. Anyway you go to sparkle-man's house.

Bella, at house: Hi! I'm Bella! Is Edward there?

Jasper: ...

Bella: Hello?

Jasper: D*mn it, Edward, what did Carisle-Cari-d*mn...What did dad tell you about ordering take-out?

Bella: Um...

Edward: Haha, what a comic you are, Jasper. We don't consume the populace! *gives Jasper a meaningful look*

Jasper: *Returns meaningful look.* Oh. Hehe...right. I'm going to go hide the bod-the bonnet...that I got Alive. *leaves.*

Bella: Ok...

Edward: He can regulate people's sentiments.

Bella: Yeesh. What a useless power. Why are you telling me this?

Edward: I...don't know. Alice can interpret the upcoming, by the way, Emmet is particularly well-built, and I can interpret minds.

Bella: WHAT?

Edward: Uh-huh.

Bella: You mean that you know what I'm thinking? I'm so sorry for the clothes I thought of you in, I couldn't help myself! It's these hormones!

Edward: I...what? I can't read your mind. You being a Mary Sue and all...

Bella: ...Oh. Never mind then.

Cari-Carilse-Edwards dad: I'm attractive!

Bella: Hi!

Rosalie: So am I! I instantly hate you! *B***h slaps Bella.*

Bella: *cries*

Jasper: I'm a minor charactor! Fear my insignificance!

Bella: Ooh, pretty....*Reaches out to touch him*

Edward: Bella, no! *Tackles Jasper*

Bella: Am I that imperfect? *cries*

Edward: Negative. If you physically contact him, his inconsequentiality will rub off on you!

Bella: Oh...

Emmet: Hi! *Starts to shake her hand*

Bella: *screams* Get away from me, you insignificant freak!!

Emmet: Am I that imperfect? *cries*

Edward: No, no, no, Bella. Emmet's the compulsory well-developed but munificent constituent of this assemblage, and the foremost older brother figure for you. He has some connotation.

Bella: Oh. Sorry, Emmet.

Emmet: *still crying*

Bella: He's a wimp.

Emmet: *cries more*

Edward: *glares at Bella* Now he'll be like this all day. Thanks.

Bella: *cries*

Rosalie: Aw...poor baby. Would you like to go play with your Barbies?

Emmet: *stops crying, and nods. Pathetically. They go off.*

Bella: So...what are we supposed to do now?

Edward: Dunno.

Narrator: You go to his room, and marvel at his music collection.

Bella: I say, is this an obscure reference to Dracula?

Edward: Possibly.

Bella: Curse it. I hate obscure references.

Narrator: Coming from the girl named Bella...

Bella: What's that supposed to mean?

Narrator: Nothing, Mr. Lugosi.

Bella: ...

Esme: Hi! I'm Edwards mother!

Narrator: AAAARGGGGH! That's it! I'm out of here!

Bella: Not that I'm objecting or anything...but why?

Narrator: Esme? Bella? Vampire-who-falls-in-love-with-girl-because-he-can't-read-her-mind-and-she-intrigues-him? A civilized family of vampires, immune to all the old tricks, like sunlight and garlic? Abnormal Werewolves? Vegetarian Vampires? *has exasperated look*

The Cullens, Bella, Blacks, nameless people from school, all other minor characters, my dog, Steve, and the Grim Reaper: o_0

Narrator: I'M TALKING ABOUT MEYERS RIPPING OFF CARPE JUGULUM!!!

The Cullens, Bella, Blacks, the Readers, nameless people from school, all other minor characters, my dog, Steve, and the Grim Reaper: Oh...

Narrator: *starts to leave*

Jacob: Wait!

Narrator: What...

Jacob: If you leave now, BELLA will have to narrate this!

Readers: GASP!

Narrator: You're right. I can't put you guys through that...

Readers: *cheer*

Bella: *cries.*

Narrator: So, Bella goes home, and asks her dad if she can go play baseball with the cullens.

Bella: Dad, can I go hang out with my crazy stalker?

Charlie: YOU MEAN THE VAMPIRE? SURE!!! HAVE FUN!!!

Narrator: You go.

The Cullens: *play...some sort of superhero baseball. Uh-huh.*

Bella: Wait...if they're so strong at throwing at hitting the ball...why doesn't the bat break?

Narrator: It's made of alluminum.

Bella: So why doesn't it dent?

Cullens: That's why we don't let Esme play.

Esme: *flexes bulging biceps*

Bella: I'm bored. When does the plot take off?

Alice: Um...now.

Evil Vampires: We're the antagonists!

Esme: Alice...dearie...

Alice: Yeah, yeah, I should have seen them coming. But, ah, they heard us playing baseball, and came to chat.

Evil Vamp's: Sup?

Bella: Wait, how did they distinguish the thunder from the baseballs hitting the bats?

Narrator: Um...vampire...hearing powers. Yeah, that's it. They can distinguish the noise.

Bella: Oh...how did they appear so fast? Couldn't we just disappear as soon as Alice noticed them? Edward could have gotten me to Russia in the time they took to arrive.

Narrator: Just...shut up, Ok?

Bella: Ok.

Evil Vampire #1: I'm James!

Evil Vampire #2: For now, I'm insignificant! You guys don't need to know my name! Just know that I'm James's mistress!

Evil Vampire #3: …I'm just insignificant. *sulks*

James: *sees Bella* Ooh, a human! Gee, I sure am hungry…

Edward: Anger!

Bella: Eddie…honey…

Edward: Uh-huh?

Bella: WHY THE **** DID YOU JUST DO THAT? COULDN'T YOU JUST HAVE PLAYED ALONG!!! IT'S NOT LIKE YOU COULDN'T HAVE JUST PRETENDED THAT I WAS COMPLETELY UNAWAIR OF YOU GUYS BEING VAMPIRES! I COULD HAV PRETENDED TO HAVE GONE OFF WITH ESME WHEN YOU DID THE VAMPIRE PARTS, AND THAT YOU GUYS FEIGNED BEING REGULAR PEOPLE WHEN I WAS HERE! AND THAT YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN SAVING ME FOR LATER!

Edward: Oh…

#3: Relax. We won't try to eat you. Right guys?

James and #2: What?

#3: RIGHT?!

James and #2: Er…yeah…sure. *cross fingers.*

Evil Vamps: Well…bye.*leave.*

Alice: Uh-oh, James's secret power is being a Fan-Boy.

Bella: What?

Alice: He can stalk people.

Bella: Oh…

Esme, Edwards Dad, and Edward: We have to get you out of here, Bella, and we'll all risk our lives to save you! Right, guys?

Rest of the Cullens: What?

Esme, Edwards dad, and Edward: RIGHT?!

Cullens: Er…yeah…sure. *cross fingers.*

Narrator: So, the Cullens go to great lengths to save Bella. It ends with Alice and Bella being in a hotel room-

Non-Existent guys in the audience: *drool*

Narrator: -hiding. Suddenly, Bella receives a phone call!

Phone, in creepy voice: Hello, Bella. I want to play a game.

Bella: Ooh! Ooh! Parcheesi!

Phone: No…

Bella: Hide and go seek?

Phone: NO! Just…go to the ballet place, will yah? If you don't, I'll kill your mom.

Bella: OK!

So, Bella manages to deceive Alice, despite Alice's ability to predict the future. Apparently, she doesn't decide it until…Alice is in the bathroom. Wow. This makes no sense whatsoever. Also, Alice doesn't notice the beating of her heart and her sweating in fear. Also, once Bella decides it, Alice can't just use her super speed to catch her.

Bella: Sweet Steve, who wrote this crap?

Narrator: So, Bella goes to the Ballet place.

James: BWAHAHAHA! I have lured you here! By the way, I lied about killing your mom.

Bella: Curses!

James: Now…It's eating time! *turns on video camera*

Bella: What….are you doing?

James: I'm going to record it!

Bella: Why…

James: So I can post it on youtube! Can you imagine the hits I'd get of me killing you?

Narrator: True…

James: By the way, is Edward your boyfriend?

Bella: Yes…

James: Funny things, Vampires. When they love someone, and that person is murdered, they go psycho on the killer.

Bella: Ok…

James: That being said, I'm going to kill you now. *starts to torture Bella.*

Bella: Ok…

Narrator: Suddenly, Edward comes in!

Edward: I'm here to kick a-

James: You used that line already!

Edward: Aw…

James: Anyway, BITE! *bites Bella, and everything goes black for her*

Edward: So…now what?

James: We fight!

Emmet: Can I have a cookie?

James: No!

Emmet: I want a cookie…

James: …

Edward: Allright, here's the plan…*Whispers to Emmet, Jasper, Alice, and…his dad*

James: What are you planning?

Edward: You'll see… ANGER! *Jumps at James*

James: *Beats Edward up*

Edward, being punched: Now, Alice!

Alice: I finally have a line!

Edward: You had a line a while ago.

Alice: Shut up. *shines light at Edward*

Edward: Sparkle!

James: My eyes!

Edward: Emmet, you're a loser who has a controlling girlfriend.

Emmet: *cries*

James: My ears!

Edward: Dad! confound him with your name!

Ca-Edwards dad: I triple dog dare you to spell my name.

James: Carlisle.

Edwards dad: He spelled it!

Edward: We're clearly dealing with a genius.

Esme: Yes, but it cost him dearly. Look.

James: I don't feel so good…

Edward: Gasp! The quantity of astuteness exploited to spell my father's name noticeably desiccated him of intellect temporarily! Jasper, now! He's abstracted and undermined!

Jasper: Grab! Fear my insignificance!

James: *lets out a blood curdling scream* I'm melting! I'm melting! *explodes*

Rosalie: I'm wondering if that was just a taaaaaad to harsh. I mean, nobody deserves that. Not even Bella.

Edward: It was required for that course of action to be taken.

Edwards Dad: So…Edward?

Edward: What?

Ca-You know what? I'm going to call him Cuddles-Cuddles: Girlfriend? Venom? Dying?

Edward: Mmm. Right.

Cuddles: Well?

Edward: No qualms. We'll let the Narrator do it. He has the authority of God in this lampoon.

Narrator: What?

Edward: You do. You cause Emmet to be a weakling crybaby.

Emmet: *cries*

Edward: You can do anything. Now, resuscitate her, slave.

Narrator: No. I can't actually interfere with the plot. You have to do it.

Edward: Fine. You leave us no choice.

Alice: You don't mean…

Edward: Yes. *Dramatic poses* We must make horrible innuendos!

Narrator: Damn you.

Esme: Oh no, Edward, it looks like James stuck his fangs in your girlfriend without her permission. It appears that he shot out his venom into her too.

Alice: You need to stick your fangs in her, Edward. I'm sure she wouldn't mind. After all, she asks you for it almost every day.

Jasper: I'd do it myself, but she is YOUR girlfriend.

Edward: Very well. I'll stick my fangs in her.

Emmet: Be sure to pull out before you get your venom in her.

Cuddles: I'm aware that pulling out too soon is unsatisfying and doesn't quench your thirst, but we have no choice.

Narrator: Gah! Please stop! For God's sake, stop this madness! Alright! Alright! I'll heal Bella! Just don't do this anymore! *Concentrates a moment, and Bella is healed. He passes out. The world goes dark*

*The world goes light again. Everybody is in a hospital. Bella wakes up*

Bella: Where am I?

Edward: Of all the cliché lines… In a hospital.

Bella: What happened?

Edward: We stopped James.

Bella: Why is Nary here too?

Edward: Nary?

Bella: Yes. Nary. He needs a name, doesn't he?

Edward: He…got injured.

Bella: But…he's all-powerful. He can not be harmed by mere characters.

Edward: There are some things that will even harm Nary.

Bella: Wow. What are these things? I must learn how to use them! Tell me!

Edward: *sigh* Same Bella.

Bella: Wait-who's narrating the parody right now?

Edward: We let Jasper do it until Nary gets better.

Jasper: I finally have some significance!

Cuddles: Don't get used to it. Nary will be better soon.

Jasper: *cries*

Charlie: I'M BARGING IN ALL LOUD AND STUFF!!!

Teh Cullens: *disappear*

Edward: *feigns sleep*

Bella: *sighs* Hi, dad.

Charlie, looking at Edward: I DIDN'T KNOW VAMPIRES SLEEP????!!!!!!

Bella: Um…dad, you're of no significance. Leave now so Edward and I can make out.

Edward: …!

Charlie: KAY.

Edward: So…

Bella: Wanna make out?

Edward: No.

Epilogue:

Bella: I look so pretty in my dress!

Alice: We're going to the prom.

Bella: Gasp! You did that without telling me!

Edward: Yes?

Bella: I can't believe you betrayed my trust like that! Doing that without telling me!

Teh Cullens: Sorry…

Bella: I was hoping that you were going to kill me, but NOOO. We have to go to a stupid prom!

Jasper: You thought we'd dress you up so we could kill you?

Bella: Yes!

Jasper: Um…

Bella: Wait…what's the purpose of this scene?

Narrator: I have no idea.

THE END?

Note: A very special member of our cast has been hospitalized on set, and is currently in critical condition. He's asked us not to pull the plug, but we get the feeling that we're going to have to do that soon.

Bella: He…he meant so much to us!

Cuddles: His greatness was an inspiration for me to become a doctor!

Edward: *quietly* I don't want to talk about it.

Emmet : *cries*

Alice: I finally get a line!

Esme: Shut up Alice.

Narrator: I…I feel so guilty. I did this to him…it's…it's all my fault. Don't look at me.

James: Still alive, Baby! Yeah!

Nameless vamps: ._.;

Everybody: WE MISS YOU FOURTH WALL!!!

***Footnotes are fun!**

**New Moon Parody on the way. Sorry this is so...lame.**

**Oh, and insert the usual, "LYK, PLEEZ COMENT KTHNX" quote here.**


End file.
